In Me, Of Me

As a poet and writer, there is always something that inspires me to put on paper what's in my head. The bulk of my inspiration has come by seeing and listening to the works of some of our most renown Black Poets, namely Phyllis Wheatley, Langston Hughes and Maya Angelou. This is Black History Month, so I think it nothing short of appropriate to honor unparralleled writers and authors. 

I truly believe most writers write through inspirations and experiences. Our heritage and experiences are the stepping stones for us as black poets to articulate our movement; convey our thoughts, and construe them in print. No matter what race, color or creed, we all express ourselves… each in his/her own way; each in his/her own time. BUT writing is timeless.

I say that because in my research, I found that as a people, we may have been down in time of slavery, even the depression, but we were not out!! A prime example is Phillis Wheatley; a young girl in the late 1700’s who was sold into slavery, after being kidnapped. She was bought as a personal servant for the wife of John Wheatley, thereby customarily taking on the Wheatley name. Considered to have quick intelligence, she was taught to read and encouraged in literary pursuits…thus world-wide acknowledgement of her works. Phillis Wheatley holds the esteemed honor of being the First Published African American Poet.

I desired to know more about Phillis Wheatley, also spelled Phyllis Wheatly, because as a child, I attended a school named in her honor, as are many. And as an adult, I began writing when my kids were little; reflecting on those who were before me and during my era... their styles, techniques, etc. 

I've spent countless hours alone with a Cup 'o Joe, my Bible or journal and my inspiration-Thee. My thoughts utter via pen, whatever creeps into mind at that time...

I Write

Sometimes I feel 

as though I have 

so much to say and 

if I didn't have a outlet

I'd burst wide open...

so, I Write 

My brain goes much faster 

than even my fingers 

can wrap around a pen, 

or type on a keyboard, 

or even my body can move 

to a position, to a point whereas 

I can regurgitate 

what is stirring inside

so... I Write

Blessings,

PJ Payne

Clarity

“It was right before my eyes and I couldn’t see it.”

Have you ever been oblivious of your surroundings? Have you ever searched for something and found it was visible to everyone else, but you? That’s a sign of having too many ‘irons in the fire,’ too much on your plate, a deficit in organizational skills, not prioritizing, or just not being focused. Basically, you’re SWAMPED!

For instance, a few weeks ago I was searching frantically for my keys. Because of my sometimes hectic schedule, I tried to develop a pattern of what I do from the time I walk through my front door…e.g., keys on the counter, purse on the chair, take off shoes in the bedroom, etc. Unfortunately, the new pattern doesn’t always fit 'my' pattern, Lol. So, I continued to search for about 10 VITAL minutes of my schedule to find those keys. I retraced my steps from the time I walked through the door earlier until the time I had to leave. Nothing!! No keys to be found! On the bright side - I was even able to locate a favorite earring, which had been ‘lost’ for weeks. But the keys, NOWHERE! 

I thought about what my mom used to say “they are sitting somewhere laughing at me.” So after a while, I exhaled and regrouped my thoughts. “It didn’t help!”  I decided to make that dreaded call, stating I could not make the appointment. I walked over to my purse to retrieve my phone. As I hurriedly picked up my purse, I heard a jingle… my keys! Wow, unbelievable! Of course, I had previously checked my purse. Yep, the keys were looking and laughing.

I proceeded to make the call, as I would have had to rush to get to my appointment on time. But this extra time I had unexpectedly been given, gave me a moment to reflect on my life. I thanked God for it and thought about the things I deemed important. Why was I always so consumed with things to do?

I told you about that experience in order to tell you this. Don't get so busy in life that you can't see what's going on around you; that you can't understand something that's right before your eyes; that possibly you're being misled, you're being overlooked, or you’re being used. So many things can happen if your focus is off and you are too busy. And last but not least, don't always view things with ‘rose-colored glasses.’ Just use good judgment and clarity in your decisions.

On the other hand don't get so busy that you don't enjoy the simplicity's in life.  Just relax and enjoy sometimes! 

Side-note - my kids purchased me a Keyfinder! "Ain't God good!!"

Blessings,

PJ Payne

The Wall

Have you ever just walked around and meditated on where you are - especially if you are someplace you've never been? Have you ever just taken in the ambience of your surroundings and thought about the goings-on and the untold tales a structure could hold? I guess as a writer, I'm always seeing beyond what may be visible to the naked eye; looking for the story.
In one of my more recent ‘adventures,’ those were my very thoughts. I came up with this…

If walls could talk, they would tell a great story… 
Generate a best-seller; No pain, no glory
No ifs, ands, or buts because all is in truth
From a reliable source – the walls that surrounded you

There would be no bias, no editing or deleting
No reason for formatting words for completion
No twisting the facts, as facts they would be
No need to run, as ‘their’ eyes did already see

And seen from an equitable point of view
No partiality taken, because the walls saw YOU
They’d tell the complete story, even what you would fear
All ‘coming out in the wash,’ loud and clear

Inevitably, you would have to fess-up, 
Your word is against theirs, no room for hiccups
And who would dispute their stationary glare
That was glued to indiscretions; your states-of-affair

Nights or days, whichever you choose
Cannot deny your actions; in any case, you would lose
Discrete, yet recklessly messing around
Thought you had it all together, safe and sound

Very respected, pretentiously held your ground
Then your house came crashing down
Thought you were in the clear, had a sanctimonious air
Biggity, uppity, epitome of ‘savoir faire’

The 'on-looker' that you didn't see 
Was plain in view, so you couldn't cop a plea
Had your back against the 'wall'
Could not wiggle out, even when you stood tall

The question in this story - do we know what we do?
Who we do things with; where do we do it?
Doing good versus evil… the decision is your call
Behind closed doors or opened, there is still that ‘Wall’

But heed this reminder - there is an 'all seeing eye'
Watching each step, watching each stride
Focused on your talk and focused on your walk,
And your tale WILL be told, when ‘The Wall’ begins to talk.

Inspired 2018

Blessings,
PJ Payne

"ASK..."

What one asks for is not necessarily what one needs. NO, it may not be what you need, but at the given time, it is what you might want, right? Well, I’ve had so many revelations in my life whereas I may have just thought about something I wanted, and BOOM, I looked up and there it was. And it was only a thought – a subconscious one, at that!

I’m going to tell you a story... one I had not openly spoken of ever, other than to a ‘confidante.’ And this memory came to me as I continue to read revelations and hearing stories of women coming out about sexual harassment in the workplace and otherwise. By no means does my situation hold the equivalence of severity a lot of women have endured, but its significance dictates harassment.

Years ago I worked in an atmosphere with predominantly men. The work wasn’t exactly my ‘cup o’ tea’ but it was what I needed to continue my lifestyle and pay the bills. It was one of those jobs that required women to basically ‘man up’ because that was the setting. Because I eventually transferred to a position that didn’t require continuous heavy lifting and such, my responsibilities did not necessitate much strenuous, physical work on my part. The ‘negative’ aspect of this was that I worked a continued rotation schedule. My work-day consisted of either 8 or12 hour shifts… days, evening, graveyards – respectively. 

Although they were my least favorite of the three, I preferred working graveyards because I worked alone. My favorite shift was the days, which allowed me to spend some much needed time with my family. Unfortunately, the thorn in my side was the fact that I worked with a whole crew of about seven other guys and usually one woman. My department was pretty large, so it took all of us to make things run smooth and proficient… Well, that’s how I saw it. Working with guys, I had to endure their ‘shop’ talk with ALL of the curse words to go with it. And reporting this? That was not in the cards!! I think I was in a category by myself as a young Christian woman, so I tried really hard to busy myself…waiting on the clock. 

One huffy, gruff gentleman (for lack of an appropriate description) thought he was God’s gift to women, literally! I'll call him Joe. He was tall, brash, vociferous, and boastful, a woman basher… on top of that, he thought he was the strongest of them all and knew EVERYTHING. Oh, yea. Did I say Joe was a chain-smoker??? And oh, so very inconsiderate of where he flicked his ashes and butts. I think you get the whole picture now.

Trying to make this story a little shorter, I HATED with a passion when my 'day shift' came around and I had to work with him. The other guys, I tolerated. But it seems that whenever Joe was in the mix, everything was elevated to another level, which was usually loud, abusive, and obnoxiously frustrating. I think the WORST part in all of this is that he always seemed to want to hug ME! UGH!!! Smoke and stale liquor breath. With each touch, I cringed inside and out. Then he’d grin. Seems it didn’t bother other women… but I question their caliber.

The real point I’m trying to make here is that deep down inside, I wished I didn’t have to work with him on days. I vividly recall thinking “if only I could get a small break from him - his abusive language and abrasiveness."

As I worked other shifts, there was really no interaction or communication between employees with the exception of the person whom you’d be relieving or replacing. The dialogue would be all about work – unfinished or finished duties; hardly ever would we discuss personal goings-on.

Then, my days rolled around again! That SICK feeling in my gut reoccurred. The sluggish, depressive mode hit me, but I had to do it because I was the ‘breadwinner.’ If I didn’t work, nothing got paid! Does that sound familiar? I sucked it up and went to work that gray Monday morning. But, the atmosphere was different. It was calmer, quieter, more serene. Then I realized as I grabbed my coffee from the break room and started towards the work area that I didn’t hear THAT voice. JOE wasn’t there!

I sat down and finally got the nerves to ask where is Joe?  One of the older guys asked, “Didn’t you hear?” “Hear what, I asked?" “He had an accident this weekend, he said. He severed a couple of his fingers. One had to be reattached. He will be off for the next few months."  My heart seemed to stop. My only answer was, “Oh my God!”

And you know the rest...

Blessings,

PJ Payne

New Pace

Brand new year

Brand new day

Brand new outlook

New start, new pace

The coffee is working 

And so is He

I listen to Him first

His words are key

Ummm… but what is this?

What has me baffled?

What‘s in my head?

What is it there for?

I have this uncontrollable

Urge- do something different

And my head won’t lead my

Mind to idle on one thing

See I just keep moving

And my brain won’t be still

Even when my body slows

It rhythmically flows at will

Constantly on demand

Constantly on key

Constantly verbalizing

What’s constantly in me

Putting into words

Expressing what I conceive

Conveying on paper

Articulately speaking

Got so much that’s

Bottled up in a small space

With every intention

To break out into phases

To be distributed

To be delivered

To be continued

To be bewildering

To those who come in

Direct contact

With my brain waves

Without distraction

You need not and ought not

Be surprised or distraught

When my thoughts are

Verbally displayed and caught

Cause what you hear

Is only “of” me

And may not match with

The “me” you see

So… Get outta my way!

New Year, New Day!

PJ Payne

T'is the Season...

 This Season and most highly commercialized holidays are dubbed as a time of 'Accessibility' as well as 'Fraudulence.'  We tend to sometimes get so caught up in the merriment, gift-giving, and the hype of it all until we let our guards down. We get bogged down with so much to do until we necessitate a ‘To Do List’.

 And there we go, ‘checking our lists and cheching it twice...’ Lol. We must remember that bargains are not necessarily bargains. I’ve always heard the phrase “too good to be true." Well, you’d best believe that if it seems too good to be true, then usually it’s NOT true! This doesn't mean that you need to be self-conscious, but be watchful.

Don’t let fear stop you in your tracks from enjoying this beautiful season. Have faith that what you want to do, you can still do it without being stagnated by fear of the trickery of this world. There will always be thieves who are watching and waiting for the innocent looking ones… those whom they think they can take advantage of and prey upon. Don’t be a victim of immobility… just make a move!

In my daily walk, not just busy seasons, I struggle with so many doubts as to whether I can or cannot do certain things, failure, being scammed. So I take whatever cautions I deem reliable. Putting God first in my moves, I then, ‘JUST DO IT!’ When I really look at the BIG picture, I remember what my Momma use to say- "you'll never know if you never try."

But... if you’ve ever experienced deception, you realize it can hamper the strongest of individuals…My 'go to' scripture whenever I have doubt is Luke 7:6 NIV:  And the Lord said, “If you had faith like a grain of mustard seed, you could say to this mulberry tree, 'Be uprooted and planted in the sea,' and it would obey you.

Definition of faith: The act of believing in or attempting something whose outcome has not been proven or is unknown; thus 'taking a chance...'

Not for just the season, but Faith should play a major role in your daily life. Faith is belief that you can, not that you just might. Faith gives you hope, when all hope is gone. Faith gives you strength to keep pressing on. Faith is that little voice that says, “Don’t give up.” Faith is the drink which overflows a cup.

Faith is the substance of hope and belief of things unseen. Faith allows you to step out on a limb, without the fear of falling. Faith takes you places your mind cannot fathom. Faith opens doors you could never imagine. Faith gives you access to do all things! Faith is the password- The key, in Jesus’ name!

T’is the Season to take a leap of Faith, knowing wherever, whenever or IF you fall, He will catch you it - it only takes a first step.

Blessings

PJ Payne

Count It All Joy

Can you truly say that in all you do and all you go through, you consider it a blessing? When you have arrived to that point in your journey - you've made it! I say that because it takes a forbearing person, a strong person, a resilient person, a forgiving person, AND a God-fearing individual all rolled up into one, to understand and know that through it all ‘it is well’.

This time of the year is quite difficult for many of us. Some are ill, have lost loved ones, in a financial straight, depressed, or even homeless. And a lot of us know and remember the havoc Hurricane Harvey played in our lives. We are still recovering. These trials and sundry times can strip us of any fragment of joy we could conjure up. But … James 1:2-7, BSB says, ‘Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.’ So ask and believe. Don’t be the double-minded, doubting person. You may receive what you were expecting... Nothing. Even so, you are still blessed.

Count your blessings.... one by one. Over and over again, realizing the sum; the sum of what you've got minus the sum of what you've given; then you'll find that you're rich, bountifully rich, in spite of your misgivings... 

No matter what you’re going through, He’s Blessing You. So count it ALL joy!

Continued Blessings,
PJPayne