Last Tear

Do you think one can ever 'cry their last tear'? We hear phrases like 'I've cried my last tear over you,' or 'I'm not going to shed another tear over that'! Well, guess what?  The very next time the situation arises, BOOM, there goes the water-works!

We (women and men) are emotional beings. No matter how we try, some emotions are out of our control. One is the tear. 

Realize this: Shedding tears is a huge and healthy emotional release especially if you experience sadness, deep pain, or stress. Although there are the so-called "strong" individuals, who think they can control the tear, but can they really?

The urgency to release can be an overpowering feeling, thus taking a toll on the natural expression of emotional release. You must realize that crying is natural. It is a way to release pent-up feelings. If it’s not expressed, usually relief generates in other forms; e.g. anger, extensive exercise, verbal abuse... and the list goes on. Yes, you’ll try to suck up emotions and absorb the hurt and pain. You may even ignore what’s really going on, but don't suppress it, even if you have to 'go to your' quiet place. Let it go… 

And then there it is 

And then they began 

Those unwanted leaks

That can't be dried by hands

You thought it was all over

And you had found you joy

Then all of a sudden you realize

Your emotions have been toyed 

You figured you had cried your last tear

There was none left, no reason to cry

And at a vulnerable moment

You couldn't hold back 

as much as you'd tried

It seems some things get the best of you

No matter how tough your skin

You portray being stoic, unmovable

But the unforeseen breaks through again

It's unannounced, unwanted

Sneaky and riveting

Untrusting, relentless

Piercing, annoying

...and NOT the 'last tear'

Blessings

PJ Payne

Order Our Steps

An education, job, marriage, and children should idealistically happen in that order, right? Preconceived ideas of how certain things should happen in life, stir in each of our heads. We have our own ideas where things should fall into place or stay, Well, what happens when they are out of order, disheveled, and don't happen as we think they should? We become disappointed, disillusioned, discombobulated... the feeling is that of failure; nothing is going right, so you're destined for condemnation and disaster? All of this may sound over the top, but some of us are very passionate about order, structure and sequence in our lives.

"I'm a living witness to all of this!" It was evident to me, when I became an adult and had a family. To my dismay, things were initially out of order! I had what we now call a 'blended family'. Basically mine, yours, and ours... a beautiful mixture and combination. In our home the motto was 'A place for everything and everything in its place', and believe me I took that to another level. My youngest son recently reminded me of this very thing. I felt that having seven people in a household at any given time MUST have order and organization. And not just at that time, I even had each kid's future planned. Whew!! But guess what - my life was in shambles and unbeknownst to me, I made us all miserable!
You see, I've learned that a lot of what we become and do in life stems from how we were raised. At an early age, I was labeled as 'the one who can', the one who would make a difference. Therefore, I felt that I needed to live up to what was expected of me.  I thought in every aspect of my life, I needed perfection; I had something to prove... but to whom?
My peers? My family? My friends? Myself?
No! I had nothing to prove, or please anybody but my God! He wants us to put Him first and acknowledge Him in all our doings. He wants us to seek Him first (Matthew 6: 33). When I truly internalized His order of my steps, I was as peace with me.

I've also learned that it is great to set personal goals and ambitions. What enhances it all is when you have encouragement from family, friends and mentors who truly have your well-being at heart.
As I look back over my young adult life, I should have adopted the motto, 'A place for Him and all else would be in order'. "He is not finished with me yet."

Blessings,
PJ Payne

In Honor and Love, Extended

As I nestle in with my cup ‘o Joe and pen in hand, I am reminiscing as usual. But I am also thinking about history and the future. I have concluded that in this time and age, we ALL want and need love. The display of love should not just be about this month and all its connotations. More importantly, we need to share love continuously through giving of self or just saying ‘I Love You’. That can be more rewarding than any gift you can give.

I ponder on my own life as a child… growing up in the country with humble beginnings. But with the love of family and through God’s grace, I persevered. And my ancestry has taught me so much about unconditional love. I had a God-fearing and strong mother who taught me and my 5 siblings ‘from whence cometh our help…’ She fervently instilled good morals, values, and loving others unconditionally. What my mother passed down to us emanated from someone who lived on this earth over 102 years - her mother and my Grandmother. Without her, there would be no us. In appreciation of Black History and love, today I honor a loving, brave and strong woman, Bessie Johnson-Howard (10-10-10 – 7-31-13). She lived, loved and sacrificed for her 12 children. As she extended her love and touched many other lives, she was known as Momma, Auntie, Grandma, Miss Bessie, but most of us just called her ‘Madea.’

Love Extended

Over a hundred years ago

She really bore us all

Over a hundred years ago

She took the fall

For what was to come

And what was to be

For what the future held

For the family

Over a hundred years ago

She didn’t know

A hundred years would pass

And she would live and last

Through blood, sweat, and tears

All over a hundred years

To see the light

Of that age-old fight

That was fought for you

And for me too

The right to live freely

For over a hundred years

A hundred years

Is a century

A hundred years long

Something WE may never see

But think one minute

Just take a peek

At life through her eyes

All in a century

Births, marriages, deaths

Defining the family tree

Out-living some of her own

All in a span of

A century

And what’s amazing is

Her life didn’t stop there

She lives and keeps living

A bloodline that streams

Through many veins

And more to come

As her off-springs

Had off-springs

Springing off those

And then some…

So, the moral of

This story is

That a seed of love was planted

And that seed lives

and lives… and lives

through our Madea

In Love,

~PJ Payne

Open Hand - Let Go

Sometimes instead of worrying, we have to meditate and concentrate on the shocks and disbeliefs in our lives... there is always the question of why or the second thought of 'if only'.  I believe nothing happens in life by chance. We all had our territories charted out for us, even before we were thought of and made.
Therefore, given such an awesome, pure, simple and fresh beginning in life, it gives reason that we should focus on the fact that destiny is not ours, but His to plot. We tend to make our own circumstances problematic. Just think about it. At inception, we were like an uncharted map because He held the plan in His Hand. So when we begin to take life's 'little' circumstances (and they are little to Him) out of His Hands, that is when we feel the brunt of the trials and hardships we face. Endurance becomes traumatic!! Too many times without realizing what we are doing, we put 'self' in a matter where self shouldn't be. We think everything needs to be touched, or for lack of a better elucidation, 'controlled' by us. In my instance, by ME, lol.

We must learn to 'Open Hand - Let Go'. That's right! Open your hand and let it go! When we bite off more than we can chew or take on more than we can handle, it's okay to let go of some things. This is NOT about you or me! It's about God!

Right now you're probably steering in the wrong direction, traveling on the wrong highway - taking the back roads instead of the main thoroughfare; focusing on the wrong prize. Remember He has mapped out the path for you.
"Take YOUR hands off and let it go!'

Blessings,
PJ Payne

"Somebody Oughta Say Something"

Have you ever gone someplace and after the fact, you swore you’d never return because your encounter was one of displeasure and not quite your ‘cup ‘o tea’? Basically, you DIDN'T enjoy the experience. You brushed it off, didn’t speak of your distaste at the time, just grinned and bore it. As time went on, you may have made reference to it in conversation, but still did nothing because you figured you would NEVER have to return.

Well, as happenstance or a twist of faith would have it, I found myself in that very situation. Opportunity and circumstances dictated a ‘Revisit’. When I realized I would be returning, I immediately remembered dislike and thought, “this is the last time”. So, I girded up courage and planned  to encounter what I thought would be a very unpleasant recurrence!

To say I was pleasingly surprised is an understatement! Not only was there a noticeable change in the ‘look’ of the place, its whole aura and atmosphere wreaked of joyous mysticism. My first thought…  What Happened?? Whereas I was regretting the return, I found myself pleased and engrossed. I began to feel guilty though, about my initial memories; how I shunned the thought of engaging in a return visit and most of all not speaking up about the experience.
“OBVIOUSLY, somebody said something”!

Like me, someone else had the very same mundane, uninviting, humdrum and uncomfortable occurrence. But unlike me, instead of enduring the discontent and saying nothing, they spoke up. Better still, somebody was listening and changes emerged.

What I'm asking now is “how do you change something if you say nothing”? You may even think, as I did, it’s not your place to voice your concern. Well, it’s not even about what you say as much as it’s about how you say it. The voice is precious and it speaks volumes without a rise in its tone, over emphasis on any words, or even additional demonstrative actions. Think first, then let the Spirit lead you.

I’m so happy ‘somebody said something'! Thank you and I shall return.

-PJ Payne

New Wings

Beginning again; now something I love. Beginning again, with God's grace from above. As we have embarked upon this New year, we all want to do better than we did last year.  So, we’ve made resolutions, promises, and set new goals. Problem - we become overwhelmed with so many other 'things' and then allow our new initiatives to fall by the wayside. But like a beautiful baby butterfly, let’s take flight! And when we must land for whatever reason, let’s do it with grace... then get back up again.

We shouldn’t be so hard on ourselves if we falter or fail. Remember this - God gives us chances over and over again.  They are new beginnings - to right wrongs, to say I’m sorry, to say I love you, to help somebody else, even something we take for granted like waking up and seeing a new day. But how many of us really set out to start over, to refresh, and to renew the old? Do we just stop trying and leave well enough alone?

I’ve heard a lot of people say ‘At the beginning, I was or we were ...’ But what happened to now? What progress was made? What happened to now? Did you actually see accomplishments? Do you know what mistakes were made along the way? What happened to now? Did you learn from your mistakes? Now, what? Stagnation?

Starting over doesn’t mean that you have to extinguish the past, because you can’t. Just CHOOSE to start fresh. You cannot do anything about that past because there will always be someone who will show up and say ‘I remember.’ But you can move forward by not becoming complacent, feeling unresolved or wallowing in self-pity.  I am so guilty of these things sometimes.

But I have resolved to first of all, express my innermost feelings in some form or fashion. Whether in words or in actions, I will consciously choose to keep away negativity.

I have resolved to not be unproductive, discouraged or disheartened, for those are only the enemy’s thoroughfares to stagnation.

I have begun to utilize talents I have kept buried deep inside because of fear of not being accepted or ridiculed.

I have begun to go back (yes, I have to go back sometimes) to reevaluate and revitalize old ideas that I thought were not good enough, but found them to be a blessing to somebody else.

And I have begun to cultivate and bring to fruition gifts from seeds that were planted in me by someone who NEVER has to begin again. “He doesn’t make mistakes!” Genesis 1:1KJV - In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth… Genesis 1:31KJV - God saw all that He had made, and it was very good…  No, He has no need to begin again or start over because all that He does is good and perfect.

Although we fear making mistakes and failing, the tiniest step can be a new beginning. God has given us grace and mercy to reconsider our choices, and to change. No matter what stumbling blocks you may encounter or how many mistakes are made, any initiation towards change means a new beginning. Progression doesn’t happen unless you put it in motion. Start fresh! Choose today to change today!

Take new wings of grace and take flight… even if you have to begin again, over and over again.

Beginning again is now something I love. Beginning again, with God’s grace from above!

Blessings,

PJ Payne

Mind Boggling

Have you ever just sat and thought about things, life, the future…

My mind is everywhere, not just here, not just there. I can't even keep up with it! It's sometimes just all over the place. It takes off and leaves me behind.  Having no order to it; Having no certain area or space; won't 'stay' for any length of time… Thus - the anarchy of this traveling 

mind ‘o mine.

BUT,

It's really not as complex as we 

make it out to be

Really seems far-fetched

but just relax 'let it be'

Sim-ply

...the mind

-PJ Payne